Escape Point

Almost midnight as I write this, the room is dark and Ashanti is playing in the background.. Some love song “Never Should Have” if I am not wrong.

In my head I am debating whether to watch a movie or read a book. Trying to find ways to get me out of my own head, because if I don’t; I feel myself sucking into depression. Probably I should get some work done. But lately my life has been a lie, I do not even know what the truth is anymore. I desire to find someone to talk to, someone to open up to, but of all my 562 contacts none seem fit for that task. Ok, maybe just one but that one… Hmmm… Is no longer quite fit for the profile anymore.

You would think I have love related issues.

The issues I have are with me. I look at my life and it isn’t where I want it to be. I am not proud of it. It isn’t the life I had envisioned for myself in my tender years. A part of me says “you can change that, I have always given you new opportunities and chances to do so. I guess you are now paying for it. But you can still change it.” It goes on and on trying to find ways to encourage me. I flicker on and off my bedside lamp stand; then I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The reflection is just a shadow. But I can see myself quite clearly. Just looking right through me and I start to cry.

Then my entire life starts playing right in front of me. And I wonder where did I go wrong. Where did I lose myself? Where did I allow all this crap into my life. After all everything is usually a slow fade. These walls must have had a crack somewhere along the way and now I have this large crack running down it. I know if I don’t do something now it will all come crumbling down and my shame will be all out for people to see.

I breathe in slow and hold my breathe. “You can handle this Noni” I chant and breathe out. I do this a couple of times. But now I no longer cry I break out. “Father, I need your help. I don’t think I can go further if you don’t do something. Father, please.” I pray. Something gotta give. I need courage.

Then the voice again; “Girl, you gotta be strong, wipe those tears. You know what you have to do to fix this.” I lie on my bed, stare at my ceiling. Turn off my bedside lamp stand. From tomorrow it will all be better.

I wonder when people drown their sorrows in whisky and vodka shots does it help. I guess it is an escape point for some hours. But the hangover and the realization that your troubles are still right before you is more painful than staying sober. I look back again at my life. Goodness me for a girl who used to be very energetic and still is I am quite lazy. So lazy that I can’t fight my own body.

I need a plan. I need to make myself accountable. And most of all I need new influence in my life.

I am no longer answerable to what people think I should be. From now henceforth I am only answerable to myself. My young tender self; for her to see that I did her her proud and my future self to know I never let her down and vice versa. If I was 12 again; I would forget about growing up so fast and enjoy my childhood. Just be in that moment running around the field or reading a book meant for my age then. But I guess some things come with my personality and it is time I stop shying away from it and instead let it shine.

I smile.

From tomorrow, everything will change. Not even tomorrow, from this moment on. Just remember you are now answerable to me. And just me alone.

This body was given to me and I to it; and from this moment on, we will take care of each other.

It’s almost 3 AM.