This article is totally not from
me, i did not write it, but i actually liked it, because it isn't everyday you
find a man writing about abortion. They say little can make a man cry, but i
can guarantee a man can cry because of love and this issue but with a lady he
cares for.
I need to preface this post with
a few statements. First, and most importantly, this is not an argument for or
against abortion. I do not judge the choices made by any person, be they a
stranger, or the partners that have had to face this monumental decision with
me. This, in my opinion, is the most difficult and troubling decision anyone
can face. Its after-effects will be carried with you the rest of your life, no
matter your choice. Even in my own life, I can't say whether the decisions made
were right or wrong. Once the path is chosen, one can never know where the
other road might have led.
Secondly, these words are mine,
and mine alone. I cannot weigh the heart of another, so I can't know if my
experiences, thoughts, and regrets are shared by others. I have never taken the
other path, so can only speak on the road I have traveled.
Lastly, let me address the
motivation for this post. I cannot stand the way society addresses abortion
today. Maybe it has always been like this, I can't say. When I say society, I
guess I mean mostly politicians, the media coverage on the abortion debate, and
the feminist view. Anyone who has faced this knows they all have it wrong. It is
either framed as murder, which can not be allowed to continue, or a simple
medical procedure that can make all your troubles go away, or a woman's
decision, where the only input needed from the man was given at conception.
It is none of those.
It is a decision that must be
made, given the situation the individual or couple find themselves in. I do
realize not all pregnancies occur in a committed relationship, but as that is
my experience, it is going to be the view I speak from. To the right: back off.
You are kicking a tortured couple while they are on the ground.To the Left:
making it seem like a medical procedure for a physical condition ignores the
deep emotional scars no other surgery can cause. To the Fems: while it is the
physical burden of a woman, I believe the emotional baggage it causes effect
both sexes equally, even if guys don't typically talk about it.
The first time I faced this
crossroad, I was 16. She was 18, and we had been in a committed relationship
for nearly a year and a half. When she
told me she was pregnant, it was the scariest moment of my life. I know it was
for her too. I had no idea what to say, but knew society taught me to listen,
try and comfort, and support whatever decision she came to. Emotionally, we
were but children, neither prepared to handle what was now before us.
I did all I could to do what I
had learned, but inside I was falling apart. When she decided to have an
abortion, I can't explain what came next. While I was relieved, not being a dad
in what would have been 11th grade...to this day, something's still broken. I
still felt like I needed to run away from it all. This feeling did not change
after the abortion. Less than a month after I did something that, to this day,
I have trouble getting my mind around; I cheated. I traumatized her again, so
soon. I have no excuse or explanation for this, and am very ashamed of myself.
Obviously, the relationship did not last long after that. The scars we shared,
and those I caused, would not fade so quickly.
Eleven years later I would come
to this fork in the road again, with a girl I had been with around four and a
half years. This time, at 26, I was much more emotionally capable of handling
what I was faced with. Don't misunderstand; I was still terrified. This time
though, I knew what I wanted. I still knew a man had no place pushing a woman
one way or the other though. She was still in college, and several years
younger. We lay together all day and night, crying, talking and crying some
more.
I tried to comfort her, to sway
her decision to keeping the baby, by talking about best and worst cases if
that's what we decided. Even the worst cases I came up with sounded manageable
to me. She was scared about what her family would say and do, what would come
of her schooling, etc. She said she wanted to have an abortion, so that's what
we did.
I did not tell her I had been
down this path before, nor the heaviness of my heart because of it. If she
chose to keep it, I wanted it to be because she decided we could do it, because
she wanted to have my child, because of anything positive. Not because I scared
or pushed her into. She made her decision, I supported her, and we kept our
relationship together. At least for a time.
About a year and a half later we
would find ourselves in the same position. It was different this time though.
We talked, much the same conversation as the first time, only shorter this
time. She was less emotional about it this time. There was still crying for
both of us, but not as long. She reached the same decision again, and again I
supported it . We managed to stay together for more than another year after
that. I did not feel any resentment toward her at all, but will never forgive
myself.
I wish I could tell you why I
didn't learn from my mistakes, but I can't. I guess I could give you some
babble about how sex does not equate to pregnancy, while in the heat of the
moment. I don't buy it myself, so I won't push it on you. We learn pretty early
that is where sex leads when you aren't careful, and my lessons were punctuated
with sorrow. To this day babies make me sad. I'd never show it. I have a niece
and several nephews. Friends I grew up with, and long since ex-girlfriends have
children, and I find myself counting out how old my kids would be, if I'd had
them.
I guess I just want people who
read this to understand how these decisions can weigh on a man too. That no one
makes these decisions lightly, so don't press your morality on them. And that
abortion may make the obvious hardships go away, but carry a huge burden of
their own.
